somehow i'm reverting to my old ways. i keep things to myself. thoughts and ideas. because when i do i feel that i am protecting them.
if i don't say anything, no one can counteract.
i guess that's why i've been slacking in my entries.
i don't want to express anything. i just want to keep it bottled up inside.
that's what got me sick in the first place.
i don't need another nervous breakdown and fall into a 2 year depression of never getting out of bed or leaving the house.
i guess in a way i feel that if i don't tell anyone certain things, like future plans.. i won't fuck up.
as if i were to jinx myself and lose focus.
.........................
the plan is to apply to culinary school.
i've been giving this alot of thought. what the fuck am i going to do with a fine arts degree?
i see myself being miserable. i don't want to teach. i discovered that about 2 years ago, eventhough that's what i'm doing now. i don't want to be an art dealer, because then i can't do any artistic work.
the thing with fine arts is that i had to have a back up. a way to make money to make art. not to be a starving artist in soho.
then there was baking... i played with the thought of being a pastry chef, people encouraged it.
i was just scared. i AM scared. of leaving a field i'm so familiar with and having to kind of start all over again.
i don't know... i woke up one morning, and said.. "that it!.. i'm going to do this..". i sent out for info for the CIA (culinary institute of america). i'm going to do this.
the goal is by 2003 i will be enrolled (hopefully) in a baking and pastry bachelors program.
the idea is to be there by january '03, latest september.
i figure i'd put my artistic talents to something i actually like doing, like baking. and there's a job to go with it. certainly won't be starving.
i'll make marzapan sculptures!
......................
so many thoughts... i can't even to bother to process half of it.
my brother got busted by the cops for smoking weed in some kid's car. the cops found coke under the one of the seats. mother hysterical. father furious. his words were, "and don't expect me to represent you in court...". my brother is a minor. and he's stupid and sloppy and doesn't care about getting caught. oh.. and has no remorse for his actions. seriously. it's saddening.
........................
um... you'd think i'd want to see shlongs in thongs.
my cousin's birthday bash is suppose to be at some male strip joint this weekend. and i'm actually not in the mood to go.
my mother's going. and hungry pack of women.
i'm trying to use money as an excuse to not go, but they will come up with it for me to go.
i'm in the processing of inviting some friends, maybe that'll motivate me.
..........................
i'm having a hard time explaining my relationship with mike to people.
i don't know what that is.
i haven't spoken to him lately.
i haven't slept with him in months.
and the few times we've spent together after that, he'd rather rub my feet or something.
like i said.. i don't know what the fuck that is.
all i know is that if it comes my way.. i'll take care of it.
............................
i'm so tired. i look tired and spent.
i find that people exhaust me. in any way, shape, or form. verbally. physically. emotionally. mentally.
probably why i revert to my old habits.
old habits die hard.
like smoking.
you stop for a while... and then you just have to pick it up again.
deep breaths, right?
2:03 a.m. - 2002-03-12
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