i have no discipline when it comes to having fun.
that could be one of the reasons why i'm so haggard.
i go out and i expend myself to no end.
my friends and i befriended some new people in town, one of them said, "i can only hang out with guys like once a month. you all are too much..".
i'm thinking, "this a weekly thing for us.. this is normal.. why is it that it's so overwhelming to others??"
i mean we don't do anything out of the ordinary. we go out to places we like, drink our poison, dance, smoke, smoke, smoke... maybe grope someone for fun, and laugh and talk really fucking LOUD.
and i don't leave it just for the weekends either. i'll go out sometimes during the weekdays. and even though i know i have to detox myself from the last weekend, i'll still motivate myself to go out...
i make myself limitless.
that's probably a bad thing.
i just might drop dead like a fly one day.
...............
so i might be going out this evening for a while.. and kerry wants me to call mike and i don't want to.
he's pissing me off. i'll leave a message inviting him out, and he won't return them. and when i see him, he'll say, "i got your message.." and i'll grimace.. and then he'll say, "think of it as voice mail.."
i have voice mail.. and i check and return the phone call too.
unless i'm screaming, "mike! please pick up! i need 'safety' tonight.." i might get through to him.
-"safety" is a code for mike and i to use when one of us (usually me) is stuck in a situation that we can't get out of.
for example: i'm at a bar chaperoning a friend's date, and i want to go home but can't leave, mike's there to say, "get in the car.."-
see, i need discipline.. i can go on all night, unless someone says they're taking me home.
anyway.. i told kerry i'd think about calling mike.. i'm still annoyed by everything, but i might reconsider after i shower..
hopefully i won't.
7:57 p.m. - 2002-03-12
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