i'm so fucking tired of drama.
i hate it.
i hate people who create drama just to make things interesting.
especially if it involves fucking up someone's life.
i don't even want to write about it. it's so fucking stupid.
i realize i've been socializing with people like this. women. women who get in 'psycho girl mode'.
psycho girl mode - where you over analyze things to the point of absurdity.
i fucking hate that. i hate people that do that. and i try my very hardest not to do that. i'd rather rip my eyelids off first.
i prefer to just take things for what they are.
they way it should be.
..................
i'm just questioning my friendships with some people and what their motives are.
..................
story:
it's 3am and the subject of men comes up. of course mike is mentioned.
all of a sudden i'm being badgered and berated for my views.
i'm sorry, but i'm not an overly jealous person. my relationship with mike is inexplicable. but we have a mutual understanding and respect for a each other. no i don't trust him, but we were never exclusive to begin with, hence i withdraw from 'pyscho girl mode'. in any case, the platonic level of our friendship is stronger than anything else.
i can't be bothered being consumed with unnessary baggage. so yes, i am a bit more carefree in relationships than others would prefer.
why is everyone so involved in my business?? fuck if i know.
it goes from the girls telling me that he knows i knows about his past, and i am not that sly.
mind you, i've only hinted twice. obviously a period in his life he doesn't want to talk about.
i'm not buying anything that these women are telling me. in any case, i'm becoming for irritated and pissed by what they are saying.
then conversation goes to, "mike is a dog". yes i know. because he dated other women when we were seeing each other? oh, i dated other people too.
i find it funny that the "dog" comment is coming from two women are dating more than 3 men at a time and can't even be completely honest with them.
then kerry goes off into a story i've heard before. first time i heard it, i thought, "good looking out..". second time around, things are just not clicking.
kerry: "you know he hit on tamara once?!"
(tamara, 44 year old whom i do not trust, but has not done anything yet in my presence to write her off)
kerry: "they exchange phone numbers and i told tamara that he was seeing you, and she said that wasn't going to pursue it then, because of our circle of friends.."
at this time i thought to myself, "mike is probably just trying to see if he as game with this old bag..." because she is so cracked out, it would be impossible to not notice.
kerry: "oh! and he grabbed my ass and asked if he could take me home?"
me: "you mean walk you home??"
kerry: NO!! he wanted to take me back to his place!!
i'm thinking, "well i know it's inexcusable, but he was probably really wasted. the only time he becomes a biligerent and groping drunk. not to mention, stupid."
second, mike can be a real gentleman sometimes and offer to walk you back, because he has in the past. mike doesn't take people home when his friends are staying over. why?? because he lives in a studio, and i know he's not that much of a pig to bring someone over while his friends sleep a foot away from him.
kerry: "and we saw him the next weekend, and he saw tamara and went after her, he bought a drink and a shot, and tamara gave me this look like she didn't what to do and i told her not to mention your name.."
me: "why not mention my name? did she say anything..??"
kerry: "no... "
-meanwhile from their first encounter, kerry supposedly bawled him out. -
me: "well why didn't she walk away then, or something.."
kerry: " i don't know... she said that he called her but she didn't return his phone call because you being our friend and all.."
BULLSHIT.
something's not being said. something's being exaggerated. something.. something's up. and i'm going with my gut instinct on this one.
i don't trust anyone.
and hate to question my trust with kerry, because she's a really good friend of mine.
all this dawned on me the morning after. i even broke out into hives from the anxiety and nervousness.
i got some advice though.. and i think i might stick to it...
i was told that when you keep quiet, people often tend to have diarrhea of the mouth, and reveal their true selves. so i have to sit tight, and keep my eyes open and my ears perked.
...................
ugh. it's all so stupid. i shake my head, because someone is trying to stir things up in my life.
and i don't appreciate it...
7:11 p.m. - 2002-03-17
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