i didn't go to class today again. actually i haven't really been to class at all within last 3 weeks or something. i was actually planning on going to school to see a counselor about this dilemma i'm having, because obviously i won't be transferring to hunter in the spring. and i have to come up with a ligit explanation when my parents ask what happened to hunter.
i'm an asshole. so far i think the only class i will be passing is my drawing class, that is if i do all my drawings this weekend for monday.
i don't even know when my finals are for my other classes. i don't even know if i had papers due in my eng lit class. i still don't know what my midterm grade is for my math, even though i have a great feeling i passed. i fucked up. again. i'm an asshole. i'm a fucking asshole. at this rate, i'll still be living at home, no career, no degree. i need to...... do something.
today instead of going to school, i went out with my mother to run errands with her. and i wrapped the front door with gold wrapping paper for x-mas. i WAS planning on finishing some drawings if i wasn't going to class, but no... instead i baked buttery lemon bars. they taste like mini lemon meringue pies.
and i spoke to theo.. and we made tentative plans for either friday or saturday.
and then i spoke to pags, and told her that i am afraid of theo. because theo and i can cause serious damage to each other. he's theo.. he's a player, and i know his game. i REALLY know his game. i can play it too. but for now i go with the flow, and throw the ball in his court if he wants something out of it. thing is.. relationships are very doubtful with theo. and if either one of gets really attached, there's definitely heavy damage, because there's always that one person that's iffy. so i have to be all wide eyed for this one.. not to mention ears.
spoke to bon too. told her about my naughty behaviour on tuesday. told her how i felt about the whole thing. she told me not get hung up on it.. my response to that was that i'm not hung up on how everything went down and how it will eventually turn out, i'm hung up on the fact that i acted so non-emotional. i acted like a guy could. i was so none nothing. i was empty. and this lately has been a reacurring thing. i've been feeling like this for some time now. and it scares me a little bit.
it's scary to not have emotions in situations that it is expected.
i don't like this.
2:32 am - 2000-12-01
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