i slept with the fireman lastnight.
it was the most unattached experience. and after we did it, the mood completely shifted into some sort of.. um.. pungent tension. i noticed. i'm sure he did.. but he was quiet. i didn't care, because i'm never waiting by the phone for him to call. i looked at him, because he was fussing as if he lost something, and asked him in my most serious unattached face, "are you ok?".
of course he says he's fine.
but he's not.
i got really irked by the whole thing, but i didn't care. on the ride home i said to myself.. 'you know, i really don't care if we don't speak again after this. it's pretty obvious what it was all about. i wanted it too. i wanted sex for so long. that's all my friends and i ever talk about is sex. sex sex sex. we want cock. i got it, i got off, that's all that matters. i don't care. i'm disgusted. i'm not even into him.'
i got home and took a really really really long hot shower.
i ran the whole evening in my head. over and over again. and then i thought, "theo's next..". hello?! what am i thinking?! i was in complete shock with myself. i felt like some man eater. i love theo. he's one of my favorite people. theo and i have a bad outcome. i can foresee this.
i'm starting to question my human quality. i don't want to say i'm some slut. i'm behaving like one, but who doesn't?
well atleast i'm not sleeping around with other guys at the same time. i take my time.. i'm picky, i like to feel out the situation, i like to find that comfortness where i can be myself.
this sex was the kind where you're in it for yourself.
well, atleast i was...
10:57 pm - 2000-11-30
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