it's bad enough i can't even keep in touch with people i actually want to stay friends with, but i can't even keep up in my journal.
why?? because i'm too fucking lazy to flick my comp on and type.
.........................
last friday night:
as i jammed my back pockets with all kinds of necessities. cell phone, lip gloss, lighter, ID, money. i reached j.lo status.
a drunken guy comes up to me and says, "i'm going to call you 'lady liberty'.."
completely perplexed, i smile.."what?"
drunk guy: "you probably have no idea why i'm calling you lady liberty.."
me: "well i'm sure i don't look anything like the statue.."
drunk guy: "i don't mean to disrespect you or anything.. and i don't want to insult you either.. but you know the liberty bell?" [shapes the bell with his hands]
me: "are you talking about my ass?"
drunk guy: "THAT is the FINEST ass i've ever seen! at the risk of sounding disrespectful, you have the most beautiful ass in here!"
me: "um.. thank you.." [smile]
and he walks away.. and for the rest of the night not only i was i called "lumpy ass" by friends but i was never approached again.
..............................
during the week i contemplate my very single status, and what the fuck happened to my game.
i don't even get my ass grabbed anymore. it's depressing. not even a glance.
i ask myself, "do i smell? do i offend?"
in collective thought, a whole series of questions arose.
am i too agressive?
have i become grotesque?
am i that too pretty girl? hmm.. i'm pretty, but i'm not THAT pretty.
am i mediocre? *gasp*
i lost my mojo...
and then! bam!
mr. wonderful writes an email, a crush i had developed too long ago pops up on my buddy list, and nick the mystery phone guy decides to call.
mr. wonderful had written a while ago, and i never responded. i did this evening.
the crushee and i lost touch a few months, and i didn't care too much to find out why.
nick the mystery phone guy was getting flaky over the holidays, so i scratched him off the list.
it so would have been the kicker if mike decided to call.
but of course not.
and i'll leave it as is. the one person i wanted to speak to the most just neglects me, like an unwatered flower.
and i can't figure out why i can't write him off like i did with those others?
........................
so i ordered some new clothes from a catalog, and cut 3 inches off my hair.
i probably would have gone shorter but i got scared.
and i've immersed myself in work a little too much, that i dream about work just about everynight, literally. and it frightens me.
i call them nightmares, just because i feel i shouldn't be dreaming of my job.
and all that has developed into painful back aches. muscle tension. knots that feel like tumors.
people keep telling me that i need to call this phenomal masseuse named barbara, but i have serious separation anxiety with my money. because for $80 i'd rather beat myself on the back with a stick.
11:12 p.m. - 2002-02-01
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