fucking stomach virus. it's had me in bed fo a week now, and with all this laying around, i can only watch tv, and think. think! thinking too much can do serious damage.
i've thought about the relationships i've had.
i've had a bad one. the kind where you're writhing in torture and anger and mad passion.
i've had a good one. the kind where you feel like a beautiful garden has bloomed in your heart. and it's this infinite wonderful feeling. everything feels good. everything is good.
makes me sick just thinking about it. ugh. sap.
and what comes next?
what love comes next?
i've dated all these different men after falling out of love. and i found myself becoming more callous. indifferent. it bothers me.
at first i was scared about not being emotional in situations expected. now i'm scared that i won't remember what it's like to be affectionate, emotional.
shit, i might as well live in a fucking casket.
what love comes next?
is this the one i fuck up?
or is this the one i get married?
i can't believe i just thought that. i don't want to get married. just the idea of it freaks me out. i have a serious phobia about long term commitment like marriage.
i don't want to fuck up this one.
i really like him.
he said something about being just open and honest.
i don't think i ready to be fully trusting and vulnerable.
and i could be paranoid, but he might be just testing me.
see what happens when you think too much...
i have way too much time on my hands right now...
i should knit.
7:06 pm - 2001-01-11
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