i went out on my date with mr. fireman lastnight. we had a good time... in the beginning. well.. it got a little awkward in the middle. we out to dinner at this really nice a restaurant that served kind of southern-cajun type food. i saw alot of meats and fishes on the menu... and somewhere i read grits. but i had linguine with clams in white creamy sauce. yum yums.
he was very impressed by my appetite. it was a large bowl full of pasta surrounded with clams. i ate all of the clams and about 3/4 of the pasta. um... i hadn't eaten all day, because i knew we were going out to dinner.. so i was really hungry. it as a nice evening, and then we went back to his place (sigh), and made out, like it was the end of the world. but there were certain moments that kind of um... i don't want to say freaked, but perplexed in someway.
he'd put his hand on my ass... and i think he gets overly excited about it. i look at him and i think of that sex in the city episode about the pre-ejaculate man. all carrie did was kiss him and he'd blow his load. well... i was in that sitaution.
i don't know what else to say about that sitaution. but he wants me. he told me so, and now i can't fucking make up my mind about what i want. i've got mr. wonderful, who's just.... makes me feel good.. the feel good like wearing your favorite jammies and slipping into a warm bed with sheets fresh out of the dryer. i have a comfort zone with him.. a real good one. and it's not an unhealthy one. it's the kind of comfort level you have with your best friend. the kind that you get over with time and years.
mr. fireman made a reference to that.. he told me i'm the first person he's met, since being back from cali, that makes him feel good. and that was the moment i made myself look like a jackass... i started to cry.
i like the fireman... and who knows? the fact that he's a fireman even entices. he's cute and sweet and all... and he's not a bum, and he's really into me, and he won't just be with me if he can't have me.
but i'm still in love with mr. wonderful, and i so badly want again what we used to have, but long distance is fucking horrible on the heart.
and i'm still smitten my mike (yes, i know), that i just want us to be friends, so that i can be close with him, and still know that he can be putty in my hands. saying things like "i'll do anything you want me to.." which he did say to me...
i spoke to one of my male friends about mike... he think's i should give him a call.. especially since i don't think anything about the bar incident, and i told him i'd feel like an asshole if i do. adding on the incident with jen, the bar, and the fact that he hardly ever called me. why should i bother to phone him, right? but he says if i'm not so upset about everything, and i like him enough to just hang out, then i should call him. but it's been a little over a month! (is anybody about there reading this??? and if you're a guy... you think you'd be nice enough to give me some insight??? because i've just about had it!)
ugh.. too much boy candy.. someone is bound to get rotten soon...
and i'm having a hard time making up my mind....
04:06:10 - 2000-11-16
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