i'm sick. i've been sick for like three weeks now. this ridiculous head cold and sneezing. ew. with this crazy weather here. one day it's beautiful out, like 55 degrees, next day it's like 30 and i'm freezing my ass off with snot icicling under my nose. not mention i live in a tundra house. yeah, my dad likes to keep the heat at around 60. the fucking furnace doesn't even turn on then. my hands are always cold. like dead people.
but it is fall, and all the trees look pretty and colorful. leaves pile along the sidewalk, and crunch as you walk through them.
i wish this diary was easily accessible when i'm on the subway or lirr. i have great diary entries going through my head on my rides to where ever. but later on in the evening when i get the chance to transmit my thoughts, i sit in front of the computer and my mind goes blank. i don't think it's writer's block. there's got to be a name for this. it's something.. almost like stage fright?
i thought about today, how i used to write alot when i was in my teens. lots of poems especially. not that i'm that much older. but i had a notebook or pad wherever i went. i used to keep a little notepad on my nightstand because while i was trying to doze off into lalaland, i'd come up with great lines and things. i don't even do that anymore. even in my artsy fartsy frame of mind, i seem to lack the fueling creativity i used to have. it's like i have to be commisioned in order to spark something.
i'm kind of sad about that.
feeling kind of lame.
also disappointed i didn't go to the halloween parade this year. it was live on tv too. but they did a bad job hosting it. you can't make something seem all of sudden so grand, when it's been grand so so many years. and that annoying redhead from that brooke shields show. god, isn't she awful.. wish i could kick her in the head.
but no one could make it to the parade this time.. and i'm not about to go by myself.
just like the cure show... wasn't about to go jones beach by me lonesome self. and i heard it was the best one yet.
i think this head cold is making me depressed.. blah aka indifference.
maybe i'll share one of my old poems...
this one was always a kicker.. i wrote this when i was seventeen.. hence the title..
..........................................................
Seventeen
I've turned into a smartass at the age of seventeen
Whipped my mind into reality
And snapped my fingers at my command
My secrets were revealed to be something of a mystery
To what used to be
To what used to be something I don't know anymore
Things I don't hide
And I don't have to lie
My words spill like infinite nothings
Rambling rampage of a teenager
Who gives?
I give.
I gave nearly everything I had
And I realize I have more to give
So I'm giving
Giving more than usual
Giving to others but not into
I'm a pair of smarty pants and I know it
I bear my heinie to those who deserve it
So bear with me..
Bear my words and put them together
I don't collide as much as I clash my clothes
And I know my feelings as much as anyone could
And I put them together, so I'm not a sorry excuse
Pranksters are what I encounter
Jokes are what I've been with
And I'll give my hand to the needy
To those I'll see purely
I wear glasses, so I'm fooled most of the time
It's not my fault, it's really hereditary
But I'm getting smarter, and I now know to squint to see closer
Closer into others,
Whose minds fail to connect with their hearts
Whose speech seem to be impaired
And sound waves sometimes comeout fuzzy, but I know I'm not deaf.
That's why I'm catching on to these days
That's why I became a smartass at the age of seventeen.
..........................................................
and you know what? to this very day.. whenever i look back and read this poem.. those significant feelings i had then, i sometimes have now... only 5 years older...
02:50:49 - 2000-11-01
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