my mind is empty.
when things start to go the other way. which is the way i don't want it to go, i get really involved in work.
i work until i don't have to think anymore. it's been like that for a few weeks now.
sometimes i like it. my mind is a blank slate, so i'm prepared for whatever comes next. whatever is work related. it also helps me focus on other things that need to get done.
i'm that kind of person, that usually starts something and doesn't finish it. especially if it's going to take to long. i get bored which then leads to laziness.
but when i've got nothing else to think about, i'm a fucking machine. just churning out wicked ideas, getting things accomplished.
it's like a breath of fresh air when i know i've finished something.
therefore, i don't have much of a social life. emotions are ceased. and there's no such thing as "the love department".
i like to be alone, and like to do things by myself, because i don't trust others enough to get things the way i want it.
yes i am a control freak. to a certain extent.
but i can't help it. it's something i try to be on the sly about. i don't want people to think i'm THAT girl.
obsessive compulsive. anal retentive. short tempered. passive aggreseive.
yes. i am aware of these traits.
it's ironic because i'm constantly told i'm always calm, especially under pressure, and i have the patience of a saint (that comes from working with children for several years).
i don't want to say it's a facade. i mean, in my head, i'm all frazzled. i feel like i need to be more exaggerated.
but then i'm drama queen.
there's never a fucking inbetween. it's never fucking right.
i'm over-thinking this too much because i'm starting to get pissed.
ugh. forget it.
.......................
now i know why i mentioned the blank slate thing..
i should go find something to do.
8:24 p.m. - 2001-12-02
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