after not hearing from mike for two days, we crossed paths as he exited the bar, and i entered.
i'll make this short. coversation involved something like this:
i was high as a kite, and intoxicated with pina coladas, "so i take it we're not hanging out saturday.."
he grimaces..
"that's ok.. i took it as a big hint.."
and he cringes as he says THIS, "there's someone else.."
"isn't it always like that.."
as this point being stoned out of my mind, i don't even think twice about what i'm about to say.
he nods at my comment.
"i just wish you were more of a man to tell me what your deal was.."
"i'm sorry.."
and that's all i got... "i'm sorry.." he practically whispered it, as if it were a terrible thing to say. he even squeezed my arm, attempting to be compassionate, like i just lost my dog.
"why are you apologizing?? because you're an asshole?"
"i am an asshole.."
"well don't apologize for that.. that's just who you are.."
and with that, i turned around and went inside the bar to find my friends.
he ruined my high.
.................................
i walk into the bar only to stumble upon the bartender.
"i thought we had something nice going.." he says to me.
i never really made the effort to keep that one going because i was too busy convincing myself that mike and i had something good going on.
the bartender kissed me, because he had to get back to work.
i was approached by some foreigner who could barely speak a word of english. i was innocently dancing with the guy.. a good 4 feet of distance.
according to eye witnesses i got the evil from the bartender as he walked by.
shit, well there goes that one.
..................................
the next night i danced my party shoes off. sweated more than i ever could at some gym. told guys i did not want to dance with them. because i just didn't. i just about had it.
towards the end of the night, i went to get our jackets behind the bar, and i didn't notice the bartender was standing on the side with two brunettes hanging on both of his arms. i said hello, grabbed our jackets and yanked my friends out of there.
i had it.
i was bawling in front of the deli. i was feeling very unattractive, foolish, humiliated, stupid.. just plain shitty. i felt like a bag of shit was dropped on my head.
and all my girlfriends were there trying to cheer me up. "you don't know how beautiful you are.." "your tears are gold, you shouldn't be wasting them on some shithead.." "it's ok to cry.. it's shows you are a caring person..".
fuck it, man... i was too down to let anything convince me otherwise.
i went to the beach and got too much sun exposure, and got sick. not to mention sunburned. but atleast i'll have a phat tan. which is probably the only good thing i get out of all of this.
and i got to see the bartender again by the beach. only to have an awkward moment. and i lucked out getting bon a job, bartending.
it was all too weird.
i haven't been working, because i don't know... they don't need me or something. so i'm fucking broke.
i'm in a slump.
maybe the planets are aligned to wreak havoc right now, or god is just using me for his amusement.
whatever it is... i'm not that happy. i don't want to deal with anyone, i don't want to party (oh my goodness!), and i think i might actually quit smoking this time.
2:14 p.m. - 2001-06-28
Recent entries:
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brighter shade of green grows the grass - 2003-06-29
and more thoughts... - 2003-06-02
so many questions so little answers - 2003-05-27
i didn't need alcohol or drugs... - 2003-05-18
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