tonight i cried.
it felt good because i haven't cried in a while, but i feel so shameful.
so stupid.
he's driving me crazy. i like him so much, and i don't want to.
i don't want this feeling.
i hate it.
because he's a jerk.
there's something, something else i'm not understanding about him.
i'm overlooking.
he's comes out from under the rocks and trees to visit me at work on sunday, and then i don't hear a peep from him after i got out of the car.
we could spend countless hours talking, but we cut short, because one always has something to do.
you could see it, we don't want to leave the moment.
and then when it happens, he's just.. he's just... just not there anymore.
i wasn't going to phone him, but erin said why not. he came out to see me, and all.
so fine. i did.
it was a blatant lie. i could tell. i'm not that dense. i have a bit too much experience, to be oblivious has if i were in high school.
his roommate answers, and for a first asked who it was.
i was put on hold for about a minute, for what seemed forever.
"he's sleeping. he got home from work and was really tired, and his lights are off and his door's closed...".
"ok, tell him i called then.."
aggravating.
i cried because i know i'm wasting my time, and feel so so so stupid. i feel like i'm actually in high school again. i'm subjecting myself to this.. crap.. it's crap. it's the only word i can think of to sum it up. fucking crap!
that conversation, didn't need a "hold on" period.
he's sleeping. that's it.
i could be super imposing the whole situation, but after everything, can you blame me?
i most likely won't hear from him for a while now.
i give it another 3 weeks.
i need to shake him out of my head like dice.
badly.
urgently.
surgically.
02:41 a.m. - 2001-03-24
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