as of 12:01 am, it's my birthday. i turn 22.
i spent this evening with the fireman. and it was actually a really great time. i like being in his company. plans were pretty much up in the air, but it all worked out.
he picked me up after he finished his shift, and then we headed back to his place. once we got there he realized that he left his wallet in his locker at the firehouse. so i suggested that we go back and get it. i don't mind the drive to brooklyn. i like car rides. he was kind of perturbed that he had to go back, but once we got there, i got to meet all the other firemen. i felt like i was five again, in awe of the big red truck, and the gear. you know, that class trip to the firehouse you would take in grammar school. i was reliving that all over again. he went up the stairs, got his wallet, and slid down the pole. how cool is that? i could only smile to myself. then he started showing me around. he offered me to try on his gear, but i thought "ew, sweat..". heh. he also offered me a look inside the truck, but i guess i was feeling kind of shy, with all those firemen looking about.
of course i was starving, and we certainly weren't heading back to the island to eat, so we stayed in brooklyn to eat. we had all the firemen asking where were we going to dinner. "you takin' her to unos?! you cheap bastard, jeezus why don't you take her to [some "nice" restaurant]!" i honestly didn't care were we ate. all i had eaten today were grapes. being sick and all i lose my appetite, but i was pretty hungry from not eating all day. i opened up to him a little more at the restaurant. i felt myself slowly unraveling. it was a bit startling. the car ride home was nice too. the sky was clear and the verrazano look pretty. he was trying to make it home by 12am, so that we could be somewhere cozy to celebrate instead of the car. we got there exactly 12am. he says it's not my birthday until 12:01am. by the time we got in the house it was a minute past, so we cracked some beers open, and i got a little birthday lovin, and then he began to unravel too much. that's when i tugged back at the unraveling i began at the restaurant.
he told me that, he has "that" feeling in his stomach. the one that he hasn't had in a long time, and he's nervous about it, because he's not sure if he likes it or wants it.
i said, "butterflies?"
sure enough, it was that crazy knot you get when you really dig someone. i, um... was shutting down emotionally. picture a machine slowly turning off bit by bit, that was me. he's moving in too fast. he's telling me too much too soon. i became silent.
i really didn't have much to say about this. i stopped unraveling the moment he said that. i can't reciprocate those feelings right now. i totally understand where he's coming from, because so far mike as been the only one who gives me that feeling, but i've been able to keep myself in check. i don't know if the fireman is capable of that. we discussed it in the car.
i could only say back, "well, as you know.. i take my time.."
4:02 am - 2000-12-15
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