i spoke to mr. wonderful on thursday night. it was his birthday. unfortunately, he said only his mother and i remembered his birthday.
and i can tell he is lonely. we started talking, and he seems to have some personal issues of his own to resolve. he mentioned something about going to a psych-ward to take some test because of his anger problem.
now i've never really seen him angry. maybe once.. but it was because he was getting frustrated finding the bus station in toronto. which i don't blame him for, because the streets there are directionless. but it was really nothing. i have heard stories, but they seem to me typical guys brawls. and they weren't even that many.. he's not a thug. but then again i don't know if he's told me everything.
i guess i can go into the story of mr.wonderful. we actually met online. we were regular chatting buddies. and like typical online correspondence or aquaintance, we shall say.. it carried over into something more. we exchanged pictures and i sent him home baked cookies, he'd sent me cards. all that cutesy stuff. that summer i lived upstate with some friends. and it was perfect opportunity to meet. and he came to visit and visit.. and i went to visit.. and he came to visit. and he met the family and friends and all that stuff that happens when people start getting involved with each other. he was great, he was not at all a "bad boyfriend". he treated me like a fucking princess, something i was certainly not used to since i was pete. i was in awe, and i made sure not to ever to take him for granted in any way. and then there was a fall out.
that last time we were together was thanksgiving of last year. he stayed like 2 weeks. it was great. and he called me on my birthday a week after that.. and christmas.. and then i told him to ring me on new year's and he didn't. i didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. he calls me then and he's all vague on the phone, and i was bawling because i was worried sick. i thought he was in the hospital, someone died, terrible accident. all these insane thoughts were running through my head. and he couldn't tell me anything. and that was the end of that. for a month and a half i was.. there's not even a word to describe that feeling you get inside, when you lose that person you care about the most. i guess i felt broken, drained, sick. he calls, and this time he tells me he was in jail. yeah. i'm speechless. he even told his family he was on vacation. he got into a brawl with some asswipe who was harrassing his friend. his friend was dating some this girl who's exhusband was obviously nuts. mr. wonderful and his buddies were coming out of a bar on new year's all drunk, and this dimwit exhusband of hers throws a bottle at them. that's when all hell broke loose. mr. wonderful is 6'7 almost 300lbs. ex-football player. could someone explain to me why you would start shit with a bunch of drunken guys.. not mention big brawny ones?? anyway.. he threw the exhusband across a car and broke his arm. he couldn't get community service, because supposedly there's no such thing in canada, so he got 30 days in the slammer. he rang after that time out and we started talking a bit. but he seemed distant. and for a while i thought we could work things out, but i was wrong. he just wouldn't talk to me.. about anything.. i felt like he was making a fool out of me. not to mention a big joke. there was a series of emails we had been exchanging almost daily, when we spoke on the phone he said he didn't write any of those things, his friend's nephew hacked into he email and did that. and i was crushed. bawling once again... i didn't even now why i bothered... i still don't know why i do. that was the last of it. that was may. he sent little notes. maybe like twice, but once i replied, i never heard from him again. we spoke recently again just the other day. and i tried to keep it nice. little things were resurfacing about "us". and i said "let's not get into this, or we'll end up fighting and not talking again." i realized he got issues of his own to deal with. mr. wonderful has many insecurities, animosity towards certain people.. specifically his family. and that's ok, but it's out of his hands. his childhood wasn't roses and daisies, and it's not his fault. he is actually the "good" child in his family. and i feel there's nothing i can do, and i suppose he feels the same way.. and i thought about this today.. and i guess that that's why he maybe distanced himself from me, because he doesn't want me involved. but what do i know. and what if it isn't all true. i have doubts. and i feel guilty about it, because i feel as if i shouldn't. i'm conflicted. i don't know what to do....
i still love him.
00:16:42 - 2000-09-24
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