ok.. i'm back.. ready to let out all the fucking demons.
and boy, are some of them nasty...
i suppose i stopped writing from fear. i don't know why, but Fear decided to pay a visit, and brought out some nice friends too, like Insecurity, Paranoia, and the other bunch that like to pop out now and then.
sometimes i think it's because i didn't like the person who i was becoming, or maybe who i already was. probably still am.
as if i needed to wipe the slate clean, but i couldn't do that either. it was sort of too late. it's already out there.. secrets, demons, passions..
and it's me.. it's has made me and i suppose it can help fix the little things i don't like about me right now.
..........
i wiped out a few friends in last few months. most for the better.
i realized some friends can be baggage. excess baggage.
when matters just won't get better, why keep it up. discard.
i should keep as my mantra, "like water off a rock.."
i used to say that alot. maybe because i've been keeping things to myself, i suppose i've reverted to old habits.
speaking of friends... i'm beginning to dislike mine.
everytime i go and hang out, i feel as if i've stepped into dog shit... and i'm stinking up the place.
i am now convinced that people like to say things to hear themselves talk.
...............
i've had an ongoing um... sexual?
yes.. sexual.. because that's all it is.. sex. a sexual thing going on with someone. from the circle of rotten friends. for 6 months. and he will never give me the time of day to offer him good company.
people don't understand it, his friends don't understand it. i most certainly don't understand it.
i've given up. no. i am fed up.
yes i understand the part of getting out of bad relationship and not really looking for one/not knowing what he wants.
i don't know in how many ways i can explain this to someone but i don't really want one either. i'm planning on going back to school, and i might be leaving for some time..and besides all that bullshit, it's been so long (3 years) since i've been in a relationship, i wouldn't even know where to begin!
it just would be nice to meet someone who's interested in good company than having someone around to fulfill one of their personal needs.. because you know there are others fulfilling the other needs...
so in order to distract me from Mr. Needs, i met this very cool guy, unfortunately, as well educated as i thought he was, said something very ignorant. it's really quite pointless, but you'd think someone who moved to manhattan would be a little more receptive to cultural diversity.
but the cosmos also have their funny way of stirring the pot and causing such swelling of the heart.
they've decided to throw back into the picture, M. (if you look back in the old entries you'll know).
M was like slipping into your favorite old t-shirt. nothing like it. and for a moment i felt bad, and i told M of my situation (because we're so fucking honest) and he said "fuck him".. as in forget him. "if Mr. Needs wanted to hang out with you, he'd make the effort". i needed to hear that from a guy and not my coniving jealous girlfriends.
....................
i feel still at the moment. still in a bad way. i need movement. and if there's going to be any it'll be very innocent and positive.
i've been feeling alot of negativity. it's probably my fault because i surround myself with it. i just don't know where else to go. i do it out of sheer blind boredom.. only to become more frustrated that there's nothing productive coming forth.
it's creating some anger, and i'm trying to diffuse it. and it's not working.
my last entry said something about ready to burst.. well i've already blown a couple of fuses, if i don't straighten things out i have a gut feeling it's going to get ugly.
sex diffused.. for some time.. and now lodging the whole thing.
*sigh*
...........................
i suppose there's more to my future burst.
my parents fight all the time.. especially since i caught my dad cheating.
my father can be very unnecessarily mean at times.
it was only 3 weeks ago. it was 4am and there's all sorts of yelling. mostly my mother..
"why do you treat like an animal?"
"what have i done to you for you to treat my like i'm nothing?"
"don't you love me anymore?"
there's was the sound of a suitcase going up and down the stairs..
i really thought someone was going to leave that night..
my dad ended up sleeping in my brother's room.
........................
my dear brother's room is empty.
for he is in rehab.
he's going to be there for a almost a year.
it's been alot to take in the past few months. my brother and my parents especially.
these are none my problems, but my family, and although i haven't much say in their situations, it does affect me alot.
it breaks my heart.
we're allowed to write my brother every week..
they have all sorts rules and regulations at this place, but there's a method to their madness. it seems to be working, because he looks really healthy, and is actually doing well in school too.
so in this one letter, my bro and my dad have some serious issues, and my mom must've reread the thing like 4 times.
she points something out to me and it read.. "..all the things he's put me and 'lily' through...and the way he treats you... i don't know why you ever stayed with him for so long.."
my mother turns to me and asks if i feel the same way.
in order to protect her, i said, "sometimes.."
..................................
i think i feel a little better now...
i've gained a incy bit of peace of mind...
"when i counted up my demons.. saw there was one for everyday.. i put the good ones on my shoulder and drove the other ones away..." -coldplay
11:48 p.m. - 2003-04-30
Recent entries:
Thirsty Bitches and Desperate Housewives - 2019-07-15
brighter shade of green grows the grass - 2003-06-29
and more thoughts... - 2003-06-02
so many questions so little answers - 2003-05-27
i didn't need alcohol or drugs... - 2003-05-18
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
Gr8legs
onecarparade
ladeeleroy
bigboy
jewelia