long two weeks? or something close to it...
yes, long and fulfilling.
grandpa had surgery. he is recuperating. they have now remove the malignant tumor and most of his intestines and checked the rest of his organs for any other abnormalities.
two of my friends had grandparents pass away this week.
it's was a pretty tough month for most of us.
i had a discussion with my friend erik at the bar the other night about us and grandparents.
we forget sometimes as we age that they are aging also. and when illness strikes them it tends to pop the bubble.
the bubble that you've had since the time you were a small child and would crawl into your grandmother's lap to be rocked to one of her lullabies.
that bubble that makes you realize that grandma and grandpa DO get sick and that you're not four years old anymore.. and then you realize all the time that has gone by and the little that's left..
...............
i wish i was able to express how much i really do care. my heart has been broken so many times in more ways than one.. and to actually reach down and feel something for anyone, hurts so much i want to cry everytime.
like right now.
....................
i had my palms read last weekend with my friend jared.
we were rocked off our asses when we went to see this psychic indian woman.
i walked in and had major deja vu. jared too.
she told me all this stuff.. and every word she spoke was as close to the truth as you can get. and only a few things constantly linger on my mind.
1) i am insecure about love
2) i will die of a heart attack
3) and i will have a troubled marriage
things that are true.. things that could lead into other things .. things i believe that could happen because of others things.
things.
...............
when did i become this way?
...............
jared has decided to make a move to new york.
i always thought this was good for him, but i never and i don't want to be one of the reasons he does move here.
i can't put together any sort of feeling towards him... it involves reaching and searching in wounded territories.
besides the fact that i can't.. in actuality i may not want to.
and i have no answers for it.
jared has been my pen pal of ten years, who has heard more of my trials and tribulations than i think my best friends could absorb, and meeting him was like finally having your imaginary friend come to life.
exciting and comforting at the same time. with a strong sense of familiarity.
like friends who lost touch years ago and get together to catch up on stories.
people say i have that affect on them.
..................
maybe i unintentionally shove people away. i've done it before.
i thought about that when mike and i were seeing each in the beginning.
but we were both fucking retarded anyway.
we are both emotionally unavailable.
i think about him and i think...
what ever seems like a good idea at the moment some how turns out to be a bad idea in the end.
and like it is... a bad idea.
to him... friendship was never really an option.
as disappointing as that is, i have to to take it for what it is.
....................
maybe within all this...
maybe..
i'm just not ready...
.....................
i often think to this clip i saw in that new movie with angelina jolie...
most of us know the outcome of our future by the path we're taking now... and some don't...
but if we change our paths.. we have different outcomes...
.....................
i may be ready for that...
8:52 p.m. - 2002-05-05
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