it's been two and a half hours since i found out that grandpa has a malignant tumor in his intestines.
i was getting ready for work when i heard my mother become hysertical.
what do i do??
rush downstairs and put my arm around my mother and then rush off to work.
my sobbing began as i walked to work. i had to stop the crying before i got there, because i had to make money. my obsession with making money and making sure that i don't jeopardize my reputation with lacking in work consumes me too much sometimes.
but i have to do it.
i had a knot in my stomach and i stopped at the convienence store to get ginger ale.
"i will be ok..."
my co-instructor camille walks in.. and i burst into tears..
"go home! go and be with your family or by yourself... you shouldn't be here if your not up to it.. i can handle this.. i've got two kids!"
"but what about him (my boss)?..."
"i'll talk to him.. you go home.. i'm giving you the day off..." and camille runs off to let me off the hook.
she came back and gave me a big hug... i really needed that.
i walked out.. and walked and walked.. i stopped a coffee shop across the street from the train station, but they were closing.. so i only got a cup of coffee.
which felt really good when i drank it as i sat on the platform steps of the station.
i headed home, and then i took a left and walked for an hour... and bought another coffee and a pack a cigarettes.
i haven't bought cigarettes in almost a month.
all this wasn't helping my stomach. i felt disgustingly nauseous.
eventually i decided to go home. my hands were really cold but i didn't care. i didn't feel the pain of the cold. i felt nothing.
i can't become hysterical.
if my mother falls apart, i have to stay rock solid.
kind of like the blocking of a domino effect.
so i'll cry on my own time. probably while i try to go to sleep. or maybe in the shower.
grandpa is like 80 years old. he's never been sick. only recently has he began to have health problems.
he's a doctor. i always thought that because he was a doctor he knew how to steer clear of illness. i always pictured him just dying of old age. living a very long life. 80 doesn't seem old to me.
if he passes away, i don't think grandma would last long.
when people have been together that long, they're like birds.
when one passes away, the other goes shortly after from loneliness.
he's suppose be operated on sometimes this week. my mother leaves this friday to be with them for two weeks.
i have that stupid blind date tomorrow. i don't want to go.
i even forgot it was my brother's birthday tomorrow.
my friend jared is coming into town this week. i don't know if i can be as happy as i want to be.
i going to have to pretend to be happy. it's his first time in new york.
i don't feel well.
5:53 p.m. - 2002-04-23
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