ever feel like a horrendous pile of fly infested elephant crap?
i have obnoxious, moody, pothead friends.
an exboyfriend who is still in love with me.
i let him down easy..
according to him, i'm "the pancake he forgot to flip".
ahhh... i don't feel like getting into it.
he should've never treated me like shit. there.
what else?
oh, my brother has social services coming to our house, because they say we beat him.
and it's apparently really serious.
my parents are at their wits end with that boy. i am too.
i really don't know what the hell goes on in that head of his. he's had the most normal childhood up bringing i could think of. in fact, being the older sibling, i used to get pissed when i thought my parents were coddling him too much.
he's FUCKED in the head.
they might actually take him away.
he's afraid.
i think my father is breaking near a sense of relief if they do. he doesn't know whether to kill himself or my brother.
i feel bad for my parents. they're really hurt.
there's nothing worse than watching your own mother cry.
especially when she thinks this is all her fault, and she's a horrible mother.
it's gut wrenching.
it's tearing us apart.
i hate it.
i hate alot of things right now.
the muscles in my back are so tense, that my neck snaps ever time i move it.
anymore tension, and who knows? i might end up paralyzed or something.
all this...
all this.. unnecessary bullshit...
it's even giving me nightmares.
that is when i do actually sleep... because.. oh! i also suffer from insomnia.
..................
i've put up my holding-it-together facade.
works like a charm everytime. but i don't know how much longer i can actually hold it together.
..................
how do i fix it?
how do i fix everything?
why don't i have a fucking magic cape?
7:52 p.m. - 2001-10-22
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