i don't get this kid.
i really don't.
i don't understand it, him, what goes through that mind of his.
valentine's day sucked my fucking ass.
i get home, my brother delivers the message that mike called around 6pm.
i was at work still.
i had gotten home at 7:30pm.. and called him back immediately.
left a message saying that i had just walked in the door, about to take a shower, call back.
he never called.
9pm rolls around, i'm saying to myself... this valentine thing is so not happening.
by 9:30pm i've crawled into my pajamas, schlepped into the kitchen, and stuffed my face with bagel bites and half of mike's lemon bars, that i was taking out of the pan placing them in tupperware.
by 10pm, i've crawled into bed and watched tv until i dozed off.
yeah... so.....
today i droned around the city.
i even visited my dad at the office.
got my nails done too. something i haven't done in like 5 months.
came home with dad instead of the train.
i didn't even eat dinner.
i have no appetite.
and today is his fucking birthday. i certainly didn't call him to even wish him a happy birthday. and he never bothered to return lastnight's message.
so i gave his buttery lemon bars to my very pregnant cousin, who craves any mentionings of food. i know they are very much appreciated by her.
........................
i want to cry but i can't. my face feels like i've been crying all day, when i really haven't shed a tear. if i cried, it would make me feel so much better.
my eyes sting.
occasionally my eyes well up, but nothing happens.
i think lastnight i shed one lousy tear. just one. literally. one tear holding onto my bottom lashes when i realized valentine's day with mike is not happening.
i don't understand it. he makes a move and then retracts. scared? freaked out? possibly. maybe.
am i wasting my time?
wouldn't i like to know.
i was thinking maybe something did happen. my brother tells me when he called he was all out of breath.
ok, maybe he just walked in the door. running to the phone?
but if something did happen, you think he would've called by now to let me know, right?
my cousin said he's strange.
i thought about it... and um.. yeah i agree.
he's a weird guy.
shady.
flaky?
i don't know.
i just don't get it.
so i thinking maybe this is my cue to step back?
who the fuck knows?
i have to stop analyzing all this. it's pointless.
he's sketchy. he flakes out. and i'm pissed about it.
and i'm not even horny anymore.
fuck this...
i'm out...
11:44pm - 2001-02-15
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