i'm going to learn how to knit today. and ignore my grandmother while i'm at it.
yep.
today is my first day off in the last past few days. today i will actually sleep in my own bed tonight, because i haven't since sunday. actually i slept in it saturday too.
my mind is scattered and i think rainy days get me like that. i start to think too much. which isn't a bad thing, until you really get into depth about your thoughts. you start to think like a person who goes to shrinks.
"well this is my thought"
"and i'm thinking this thought because.."
"and this thought i'm thinking about links to this subconscious thoughts"
"and my subconscious thought goes back to when this happened"
and on and on it goes.
the past two night i've been um.. babysitting? i've known this family since i was 14. bon and i used to babysit for their kids when we were in high school. well college started and i wasn the only one who didn't go away to school, and they were happy to know that, atleast the boys were, because they didn't like the other sitters.
sherri, their mother, got cancer. lymphoma. and well i've been sleeping over to wake up with the boys in the morning and send them off on their playdates. sherri has been in the hospital the past 10 days, because she's having trouble breathing.
i am sad about the whole thing.. i know sherri doesn't like talking about it. and i don't know if i should send a card or flowers. and i've got my mother saying she's going to die soon. and i feel guilty. don't know why. maybe because i've could've done better or something.
i don't know how to handle emotional situations. let alone my own. i'm one of those people who sees a person crying or something, and feels really weird and awkward about putting my arm around and them, or i can't find comforting words to say.. so the best i can do is offer them a tissue.
when comes to me dealing with my own shit, and i rather just be by myself and act like nothing happen. like a fucking robot. and i feel guilty about all this. because in the back of my head there's this little voice saying "you could be so much nicer if you opened up more". i am nice.. but i don't like to be vulnerable nice. only very few people have seen me ripping apart at the seams. probably like two.
pete once said to me "getting you to talk about your feelings is like pulling teeth.. you know, you're not as tough as you think"
my mother once said to me " you can't just expect things to go away without talking (or confronting) them"
that last statement had to do with my father. issues with dad. that's another time, though.
what pete said though, stuck with me. it made me want to build a fucking fortress around me. you were either welcomed or not. or i'll just talk to you from afar.
sometimes i hate being such a hard ass, or has my mom's friend said to me "a bitch on wheels".. sometimes i don't mind, because it'll get me to where i want to be without other incentives. like a brick to a face. other times, i feel bad about it, because i can be a little more softer. but i'm not. and to tell you the truth, i don't like being soft. it puts a damper on my rep. heh.. actually just show me some abused animals, and i'll start to wail.
but i guess i should start with being more open with myself.
more trusting... of my feelings...
there we go.. that's the key.
i should stop second guessing myself.. thoughts.. feeling.. intuitions..
and i've never been to a shrink..
i've managed a nervous breakdown.. a couple of times.. i've managed depression.. and not eating too... i can manage this..
fuck it.. this is a mission
but first i'm going to learn how to knit..
20:49:16 - 2000-08-23
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