I find myself back here again.
Possibly a new chapter. No. Definitely a new chapter.
Thoughts I need to work out. Thoughts I feel I could never say out loud.
I looked back at some of the old entries. I barely recognize that young me.
I want to hug my bratty young self and say it’s ok. All the stupid shit I said and did has lead me here. Gave me quite a growth spurt.
I realized my last diary entry was around the time I met my now husband.
And here I am now. With a whole new set of banalities that married middle aged life has to offer.
I find myself a little more resilient. Patient. Kinder. Picking my battles.
What is less emotionally exhausting?
I was diagnosed with MS 4 months before our wedding.
It knocked me on my side and I gained I new perspective on life. I find I don’t care about a lot of things. Things that people get easily worked up about. I find, is often not worth it.
Yet here I am. Trying to work out my thoughts. Weighing if it’s worth it or not.
I’ve been in this situation before. In my married years. It feels like someone testing the boundaries of my marriage. Like someone testing how high the voltage is on an electric fence.
An outsider looking in. Admiring what we have.
I don’t consider myself a jealous person. A misperception most people have. Confusing my temper with the possibility of having a jealous reaction. My husband is the only person that actually knows this about myself.
The first time someone tried testing the voltage, I didn’t recognize the feelings. I didn’t know what they were. I didn’t know how to handle it or process it. I came home quiet until he asked. I broke down, crying “I don’t know!”.
I told him everything.
I realized it wasn’t me that was jealous. It was the other woman that was jealous of me.
There are some thirsty bitches out there.
I found myself in a similar situation again. This time I recognized it.
The alarms were sounding. The needle was going off the charts. The radar was getting loud.
I consider her my friend. But I should probably put the guards back up.
I’ve been here before.
Women my age have different motives and intentions.
Saturday was like any other day. She comes and hangs out. Kills time at our place before having to pick up her daughter.
We have a smoke. We talk.
She works with my husband. They happened to have gone to high school together. He didn’t recognize her at first until they realized they have a friend in common. Only to find out later that the three of us ran in the same social circles years ago (bratty young self). Know a lot of the same people. Yet never crossed paths. Ever.
Weird?
He came home and said L is coming over. Something about picking up or dropping off her kid.
Ok. Wasn’t crazy about it.
It was really because I was still in my pjs. My body felt stiff. I wanted to shower.
And she wanted to accompany my husband to the pet store. He was going to take the dog to get her nails clipped and give her a bath.
She came over. She rolled one. We smoked. We chatted. They left. Together. In my car.
And the bells internally went off.
I was quiet. Normally I think out loud. In a safe space.
I took a shower. And my mind went a mile a minute.
I been here before.
Should I put my trust all in one person?
I trust him. Everyday he leaves the house.
But it’s probably not wise to do so.
Should I have faith in him?
Yes. But it’s probably not wise to put all your faith in one person either.
Do I trust her?
Not entirely.
Caught her in a couple fibs but didn’t call her out on it.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe she feels insecure about certain things.
People scrub things to convince themselves of their situations.
I was silent in the shower for 25 minutes.
I looked up into the mirror and the words without thought fell out.
“Class it up”.
I can trust my husband’s vanity.
I know my husband’s taste in women. I know about the old girlfriends, the celebrity crushes.
It felt petty. So I felt I had to be subtle.
He bought me a pair cotton shorts couple of weeks ago. He says he likes it when I wear shorts (because I hardly ever do).
He likes my legs. He likes my long hair down.
I put on the shorts and a tank top. Left my hair down.
He came back home to this while I washed the dishes.
He noticed the shorts. “You put the shorts on! I’m so happy they fit.” As he caressed a leg.
She came into the kitchen as this unfolded.
I had to remind him of who he married.
I had to remind her that she’s not his cup of tea.
He was chatty. I listened.
Mentioned that our neighbor felt protective and gave L a glare.
She chimed in, “introduce me, so he doesn’t think anything “.
My husband did. Introduced her as ‘my’ friend.
Interesting.
I think she gets nervous.
So does my husband.
She’s divorced. Her husband cheated. And is now married to the woman he cheated with.
She’s still upset about that. She knows how it feels.
Then why? Why would you create a situation that feels familiar to you? That was hurtful?
The rest of the time spent played out like usual. Talking. Laughing.
As if I were none the wiser.
3:17 p.m. - 2019-07-15
Recent entries:
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brighter shade of green grows the grass - 2003-06-29
and more thoughts... - 2003-06-02
so many questions so little answers - 2003-05-27
i didn't need alcohol or drugs... - 2003-05-18
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